The Curse of Razorback Football

Welcome to the series finale of The Curse of Razorback Football. A lot has transpired since the curse began, let’s recap.

Years ago, Razorback football was on a down turn. Frank Broyles, the storied head coach turned Athletic Director decided to fire Jack Crowe after a miserable loss to The Citadel.

This was the first Razorback sacrificed for the football program.

After a resurgence of Razorback football directed by Houston Nutt and then continued by Bobby Petrino, everything came to a grinding halt in 2011.

Bobby Petrino was in a motorcycle wreck that turned out to be much more. An affair? An ass-whooping? Hiring his mistress, a University employee? Was this grounds for termination?

Jeff Long thought it was. Therefore, Bobby Petrino was the second Razorback sacrificed.

The third Razorback sacrificed was his successor, John L Smith. That season was a whimper and a fart.

Next, Jeff Long thought Bret Bielema was the guy to take the football program to new heights. After two promising years, it crashed and both Bielema and Long were sacrificed. Those two men were number four and five.

During the aftermath, Chad Morris was selected to take over. All talk, no walk. He was sacrificed to be the sixth man, not two full years later.

Now, here we are. Legend has it, a seventh Razorback must be sacrificed before the curse of Razorback football can be lifted and the treasures of a divisional, conference, and national title can be revealed.

This season, Rick and Marty as well as the rest of The Fellowship of the Pig have been assisting Hunter Yurachek and John Fagg in their quest to find a coach and lift the curse.

We had promising leads in Memphis, Washington, but the real breakthrough came in Boca Raton, where Gary Drayton identified a “top pocket find” in Lane Kiffin.

As a result, the Fellowship of the Pig are meeting at a sacred place according to Razorback football: War Memorial Stadium.

Hunter Yurachek has made his decision. Who will it be? Will he be successful? Or will he fail and continue the turmoil and give us a reason to make a spinoff show? Find out now!!!

————-Camera starts at War Memorial————————————————

Hunter Yurachek : Well gentlemen, with your assistance I have identified the next coach. I want to start off by thanking all of you for your help and assistance. Your efforts are laudable and much appreciated.

Rick Lagina: My acceptance of your bestowed thanks has been received and scientifically processed.

Marty Lagina: We were proud of the efforts and our Measure twice, Cut once approach.

Jack: WELL WHO IN THE HELL IS GONNA SAVE US ALL?

*Lane Kiffin walks out of the tunnel*

Lane: Hey guys! Remember me?

Gary: There’s my bobby dazzler!

*Gary rushes to hug Lane*

Lane: Yeah umm thanks Gary, is that a pointy metal detector in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Gary: Both, mate!

Craig Tester: Lane, Hunter told me on the phone you wanted to examine this stadium and make sure its up to your standards.

Lane: Yeah, I watched some film with my two girlfriends and I noticed that people were getting injured left and right during the Missouri game.

Narrator: People injured left and right? Is this due to the fact that War Memorial is still turf and concrete? Did they not follow the UofA’s directions and convert it to grass?

Marty: I think we need to set up a drill and bore a decent sized hole here in the middle of the field and determine the soil composition.

Craig: If it’s mostly dirt and grass, then you’re good to go Lane but if we hit a whole bunch of hard rock, I think we have an issue

Rick: Scientifically, if there is a hard rock composition whereas the bore was performed, it would signal the necessary factoid that there could very well be a concrete layer combined by the scientific fusion of water and concrete powder.

Jack: Yeah I think you’re right Rick! Let’s get this thing started! I’m all jacked up on Mountain Dew!

Hunter: Hey Lane, why don’t you, Charles, and Jack go figure out what’s up with those play clocks on the field in the end-zone. Do they finally work properly?

*Charles’ hat randomly swaps from a Masonic hat to a front-facing Razorback logo*

Narrator: While the fellowship of the Pig explores the play clock and sets up the drill for War Memorial, Alex Lagina, Peter Fournetti, and Paul Troutman are meeting with a very special guest we want to add to this episode to cross-promote

Alex: So what brings you here, Eric?

Eric Musselman: Yeah, I’m here with Dude Perfect and we are going to shoot this basketball backward from this endzone to the other one, where there is a hoop. We are trying to help Isaiah Joe’s draft stock in the NBA.

Alex: Wow

Peter *silence*

Narrator: Back to the field, Craig is about to drill down.

Craig: Guys, I’m hitting a solid layer of hard rock as soon as we start drilling

*The machine creates a 6 foot wide bore hole and breaks through the asphalt*

Marty: 2 feet later, we finally hit the dirt. Hunter, looks like they lied to you!

Narrator: Could they be lying to preserve the Razorback fall game and skimp out on improvements? What else could go wrong?

Laird Niven shows up out of nowhere: Guys we have to stop this boring at once! This is a State Park according to the State of Arkansas. We have to have proper permits to even start drilling! This is very bad!

Hunter: You know Laird, I have an idea.

*reaches into his pocket, extracts paper and pen*

Hunter: I’m going to name YOU as the new Razorback football coach. Just sign these papers on my back and we will get this going!

Lane from a distance: Hey man what the hell?

Narrator: In a stunning turn of events, Laird Niven has been named the new Razorback coach

Marty: We can’t tell the fans that you hired Laird Niven instead of Lane Kiffin

Gary: The names are pretty similar Marty

Rick: I can deduce the knowledge being inferred by this logical statement.

*Laird starts to jump up and down in excitement and inches closer to the bore hole*

Laird: You guys have treated me like shit this whole time because I’m the only one being careful and using actual archaeological tactics! It’s my turn to turn this program around!

*Dave Blankenship pushes Laird Niven down the bore hole. He falls many feet and a loud thud echoes*

Dave: There ya go Hunter. Seventh Razorback sacrificed. Curse is lifted. It’s crown time!

*Dave pours shots for everyone*

*Lane Kiffin attempts to sign the contract, but a bulldog rushes to bite his writing hand*

*A large, ominous figure emerges from the shadow of the tunnel entrance. Laughter can be heard*

*Enter Sam Pittman*

Sam: Now boys what in the hell is going on here? Lane, did you tell Mr. Yurachek about your upcoming trip to Oxford?

Rick Lagina: Ah yes a fine educational institution!

Sam: Not that one, the one located in Mississippi.

*Yurachek stares Kiffin down, as he begins to sweat*

Hunter: You mean to tell me this was a setup the whole time?

Sam: Boy, you best be getting out of here. My bulldog doesn’t like a coward. I’m going to be the next coach because dammit I want this job and we’re gonna do things right. You go ahead and take that plane and we’ll see you in Oxford next year.

*The bulldog leaps up and rips Kiffin’s visor from his head. Kiffin runs off, Sam Pittman signs the contract on Yurachek’s back*

Craig: Well guys, I’ll take care of the cleanup. I’m going to pave over this bore hole and make it look like nothing happened.

—————Camera shows the whole gang drinking at Rebel Kettle in Little Rock————-

Narrator: Did you enjoy the show? How about that ending? Now that the Curse of Razorback Football is lifted, Razorback fans all over the state will enjoy prosperity for years to come.

 

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